[23 days left ...]

Twenty five days left. And what do I have to show for this experience? Today is a hard day. Today marks one year since Michael’s press conference at the 02. Has it really been a year already? Time sure does fly, unfortunately for me whilst a majority of the world has found a way to move with time I am still stuck in two thousand and nine. I am still waiting for July thirteenth, sixteenth and twenty second so I can get to fulfil one of my dreams, seeing the KING live. I am still waiting for the day when he, or someone from his camp makes a global announcement Michael is still here.

What did I come out here for? It was to get back on track with my diet and exercise, have some ME time to just deal with the last eight months and find a way to get back up on my feet. To be honest I set my expectations too high and I am sure for a lot of you, you probably expected too much as well. When I come back I will not be a changed person as such. If anything this trip has made me face what happened in June, and now suddenly I find myself re-acquainted with my feelings more and more. You remember when I would frequently air my fears about not being able to feel and that I am scared case I stay like this forever?

I guess right now it is still split down the middle. Whilst I am aware that I will not be an alcoholic and have to depend on alcohol to feel, I do realize that apart of me has gone. It went June twenty fifth and to be honest I really don’t see it coming back, unless one miracle occurs during the remainder of my lifetime. A girl came into my life eight months ago and thanks to her I regained feeling. From being in a relationship I had to go through a lot of emotions, happy, sad, angry, upset and then emotions, feelings which I never knew existed I experienced. So I do thank her a great deal as being in a relationship opened me up, and then coming out here I was exposed fully.

I had not been to church in over nine to ten months and I remember the first week I was out here I went. Honestly could I have had more of a reality check than that? I put on my Michael necklaces which were gifts to me from my partner, my Michael top and I rolled to church representing Michael Jackson. My grandma wasn’t best pleased and perhaps the people in the church weren’t either, but I didn’t really care. I mean as long as I dress respectfully should be no problem.

And I don’t know about anyone else but every time I go church 9/10 times guarantee that what occurred in the past week of my life comes up in church. Like I remember last year March/April I was going through some drama with my brother and in church the pastor was talking about being able to let go, and love, open lines of communications whether it be a best friend, family member or your partner. Fast forward eight months later I’m in Saint Vincent in church and every passage, every hymn was about Jesus being crucified and that he died for our sins, and that people judged him unfairly, and this and that.

One of my problems is that to anyone, family, friend, or whoever... is that I don’t truly open up and say what I really feel. Like I will tell you something and it’s true, but it’s not the whole truth. I have a problem with opening up fully to a lot of people. Take for instance excluding the last eight months only a few selection of people truly knew how deep my love for him was, and still is.
I have always looked upon Michael as more than an entertainer, to me he is one of my best friends. I also look upon him as this special being, in the same light as God and his son. I’m sure a lot of people will be up in arms about it. But this is apart of me making that change, looking at the man in the mirror and showing people the real me. Michael Jackson, was, is, and will always remain a big part of my life and nothing will ever change that.

So yes! As I was saying I spoke to my mother that day and my partner and I told them how church was very emotional for me. It was like everything I was avoiding suddenly came to the forefront of my mind and the reality of last summer sunk in a little, and every time we would sing when it came to God, or Jesus Christ I changed the words to Michael Jackson. It was so difficult my eyes welled up. I did a damn good job at holding it in though. I looked to my surroundings joyful faces, singing loud and proudly, then to me clutching my Michael necklaces, whispering the words to the songs and almost on the verge of crying.

The next night it was like De Ja Vu all over again. The god honest truth never have I been, or at least can recall, tested emotionally to my limit than these past eight months. A little break in what I am talking about.

I am sure a lot have also been disappointed I haven’t kept up with the updates. To be honest I haven’t been in the mood and two since my last one where I broke the silence on a former friend, which drained me completely. Just the thought of her is draining. At the moment I’m kind of going through a rebirth. Out here I’ve stripped myself of everything that I thought I was and I want to start new. It’s going to take a long time but eventually I do want to emerge as a new person. At the moment I have a friend who is giving me an earful, telling me about myself [I laugh now, but when under their tongue lashing its quite brutal. They say they do it out of love though, so I guess it’s ok to a certain extent. But perhaps a little easy on the rinsing me out. But I love and care for them dearly and friendships is all about being there for one another, and being able to be real with them and tell them things they may not like to hear so thank you]

[Currently the internet is down and I am going I.N.S.A.N.E. I have a problem I am a net junkie. It is something I hope to get help with. I also have another problem, well to you all it may be a problem to me it’s not. I have Michael Jackson obsessive Disorder. I’m actually quite proud to be diagnosed with that, and it is certainly something which I WILL NOT get help for. L.O.V.E. man, L.O.V.E]

I’ve ventured off on a few topics that I can’t remember the point of this blog update [inserts giggle here] It’s actually been a couple of days now since I started my blog. See that is my problem I start, and then I stop. And then I stop completely to the point where it’s unfinished or those rare occasions if I find that re motivation I finish.

Currently is it 11.40pm I look out the window and there is my boy Michael shining down on me. Many blessings man. Yesterday morning I woke up in the most beautiful of moods I had the most amazing dream and of course had to put it as my status. I dreamed about Michael, aw it was too cute. Like it was round about the Thriller days and I was at the Encino house and Michael, his brothers and sisters were playing some games. I woke up, and that dream set me up for the day as I was in a real good mood through-out. I re discovered my love for Techno & Trance music. Been listening to both genres and Michael Jackson all day long, to be honest I have left it so long I honestly can’t remember the point of this blog.

Little updates.

A couple of weeks ago I broke up from my girlfriend [inserts sad face] I will not get into great detail but I will say at the time for both of us perhaps it wasn’t the right time to be making such a commitment. At this moment we are working towards remaining good friends and who knows for the future.

Now its twenty three days left and then I return home. I am telling you some changes will be going on when I return. I hope to change for the better, for myself and for the people around me. I hope to gain more control on my life. I do realize I am an adult now [that pains me to say hehe] And as an adult I am responsible for myself, should be able to make decisions for myself whether right or wrong and be able to learn from them and grow. I’ve got quite a few things to sort out, job, money, my relationship amongst others. I definitely hope by September I would have a part time job, and go college, or a semi full time but not quite full time job. I’m sorry Keisha just can’t seem to do full time, and so Keisha will try very hard to find a perfect part time.

So I ask my people just bare with me as Keisha does Keisha, you know I take forever but sometimes 7/10 I do get there in the end.

[There is a next blog update, which I’ve been working on for ever; it may make an appearance soon]