Revisiting June, for the personal journey I am on ..

Two days ago marked seven months since that day in June. As I sit at the table in my grandma’s living room I, in terms of my thoughts and feeling still feel the same as I did a couple days after what happened. I’m currently in the Caribbean islands because I felt I needed that escapism from everything and everyone to just be able to deal with this as I want to. I felt that I couldn’t be myself entirely and I had to put on this façade right from the moment I returned back home. I was in Paradise from the twentieth of June to the twenty sixth. I remember that week. I wrote about it but just to refresh the memories I will bullet point a few things.

. First time I went into Harrods they played Michael Jackson’s Remember the time
. After years and years and years I learned how to master the trains.
. My aunt informed me that more tickets for his shows were being released
. I composed myself enough to wake up early next day and purchase a July twenty second ticket, front row.
. For the first time I forgot to charge my phone

If it wasn’t for my aunt, who I call a rock star, I don’t know how I would have coped. I feel like I am a little bit more in strength to finally recall that night. I remember after it happened I tried so much to do a blog update but every time I started as soon as I got to that date everything just froze. On that date it was my brother and I at our aunt and uncle’s house. They called to tell us that for definite we are heading to Camden tonight to watch our other aunt perform.

We were there getting ready it was coming to five or six O’clock. One detail I remember clearly is my brother bringing his phone charger and for the life of me I was baffled as to why he was bringing his charger to a gig. Looking back perhaps it was a sign for me to look at my phone and see that it needed charging? [shrugs]. Uncle Alton came, picked us up and drove to Camden. We picked up aunt Laurell on the way, and soon found ourselves at the location.

After an hour or so of chatter we made our way upstairs. We waited for a little while before our aunt and uncle graced the stage ready to do their set. I finally looked at my phone and saw the battery cursing myself for forgetting to charge it, which fact. I never forgot so why did I forget this time? I recorded a few songs then my phoned died.


The clock was reading ten or eleven when we all went downstairs to the pub. My aunt ordered me a drink of vodka and lemonade. I remember I was sitting by myself just observing the crowd like I do, when all of a sudden I hear a few people start to talk.
“Have you heard the news Michael Jackson has...” Of course I immediately brushed it off as a rumour. I continued to sip on my drink but around me phones were going off. It was the guy at the bar who was our minute by minute updater. One minute it’s true, one minute it’s not. At this point something was beginning to happen inside of me. Though I was verbally saying it was a rumour, in my mind doubt, worry, concern started to creep in. And then I think at that point that was when I no longer was present. I became nervous, anxious, butterflies erupted in my stomach and suddenly my appetite to finish the drink went.

Out of nowhere my aunt Laurell came in to comfort me, and again I was still in two minds. They started to play Michael and I got happy. Little did I know it was because of the news. At this point I can’t remember too much but if memory serves me correctly at first I was just in a state of numbness. I felt like I was having an outer body experience. It soon got to the point where all I heard was voices and I needed to find out the truth. I felt like I was on a deserted island. My phone was dead so I couldn’t dial or receive calls. I didn’t know numbers off by heart so I couldn’t phone anyone. I wasn’t thinking straight at the time because if I was I would have just dialled my home number from my aunt’s mobile. I was pretty much frantic at this point but it was all in my head. I finally was able to reach my mum, and I just needed to know. When she told me, how I could even begin to explain to the full extent but it was like the tsunami, 9/11 all the horrible disasters rolled into one. I could no longer stomach anymore so I gave it to my aunt, and just ran outside.

I was walking, just walking as the tears fell. My aunt eventually caught up with me and I just crumbled like an aging cliff into her arms. At that point I felt like a little child again. You know when you reach that age and you ask why? All the time, yeah I just kept asking why, but how, and that I didn’t understand.

Also what heightened my emotions was that I have a friend who loves Michael too. I was so petrified that she was trying to get hold of me, and perhaps through failing to reach me she did something to herself. All throughout the car ride home I was listening to hold my hand and other Michael songs. They stopped off for food but food was the furthest from my mind. Whilst the boys was in the shop it gave me and my aunt some alone time as she comforted me again. She said as soon as we get in I can charge my phone and call my friend.

That journey home felt like it was never ending, but the more we approached our destination the more I was feeling scared. We didn’t put on the radio, it was like we was cut off from the real world and for those few hours I convinced myself that it was a just a rumour, or perhaps because my mum told me he was in a coma that he pulled through.

We got inside, and I immediately charged my phone. The amount of text that came through was incredible. Throughout all of this I thought that I didn’t show to people how much I love Michael, and how big of a fan I am but seeing texts from everyone in my life, however old or new just reassures me that though I wasn’t as vocal about it, people knew.

This part shocked me beyond words. So I finally ring my friend and she answers me, but the way she answered me it was as if she was oblivious to the news. I couldn’t believe it. I mean I’m aware that perhaps some people had gone to bed and would not have heard about it till morning but with so many connections she had to other fans I was deeply surprised that she, who I use to claim as Mrs Jackson didn’t know.

At that point I felt like a police officer having to contact a relative, or someone about their love one. It was up there in the hardest things I ever had to do. I still hadn’t turned on the news, radio, or gone on the laptop yet so my friend and I spoke for a while and we was both convincing one another that it was either a rumour, or that he pulled through. I don’t know what possessed me but it was coming to the end of our call, and I finally logged on. There on every news page in bold letters was the headline I never thought in my lifetime I would read, or hear.

Though my aunt was there for me I felt like I was alone. It was a Friday morning and they had to go to bed because they had work. My brother well he in his own world and I couldn’t really bother him. It was the loneliest time. I remember finally going onto Facebook and seeing everyone’s status. I honestly couldn’t believe it. At that point I think that is when I lost all feeling. That is when I no longer living but existing. During the morning I was talking to people, and then one of my friends’s called me to comfort me, because she knew what I was going through because her mother had passed away.

I honestly couldn’t sleep. I felt sick, all the time I was laying down it was like this pain in the centre of my stomach. Like hearing bad news you’re anxious, and crazy things erupt inside you and it’s a sickening feeling. I so badly wanted to run to my aunt and for her to hold me but I couldn’t. I wish she could have token the day off work but she couldn’t, well to be honest I wanted to ask her these questions but she already did so much for me.

If I’m honest I think I only managed a couple hours sleep before the morning greeted me. I was still in that place of an emotionless state. I think I turned on the television once and it showed his rented house and the tape around it, flowers, etc and so I turned it off. A couple more friends called me; I went up to the shop and brought a paper. To be honest I do not know why I guess I was looking for answers. I’m not a tabloid junkie, though I do admit I did use to purchase newspapers, but it was only for the back pages as I use to follow football religiously.

I just remember being in the kitchen and looking out the window watching the world go by as the questions still invade my mind. I still didn’t believe it. Though I saw everyone’s status on Facebook, the newspaper and other sources I still couldn’t stomach it, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I went upstairs and same thing I sat on the window ledge and looked out as the clouds were white, skies were light blue so clear.

I can’t even remember what happened to my brother I think my aunt came home early and took him out to get some shopping, and that was when I called my friend. It was so emotional. She was there threatening to kill herself. Long story short there was a lot of crying but I managed to talk her round.

I was meant to come home that day but I just couldn’t bear to face anyone. And for some bizarre reason I told myself I needed an extra day to come to terms with it. F-in hell, it is seven months later and I’m still trying to come to terms with June.

Of course never have I been in two minds. I do remember in the midst of it, when it was still so fresh and soon rumours flew thick and fast, theories and at times I got caught up in the windmill but I guess that was because, well I can’t really explain all I can say is I had my moment then it flew over.

One thing that was bothering me a lot was the fact that I had or felt no emotion what so ever. I’m serious I didn’t feel the tears, nor the sadness, nor just anything. I was like a blank canvas. But I understood because when I would be amongst other fans I understood what they were going through, but I just couldn’t express it myself.

I soon became dependant on alcohol during the early days. I mean I love a drink here and there anyway but when I first drank and the tears flooded, it was then that I became dependant on it. I mean to go from a being who could feel everything. To feel emotion from watching television, to seeing my nephews, to watching or listening to Michael, any little thing to then suddenly feeling nothing at all honestly scared the living shit out of me. If I wasn’t drinking everyday possibly every other day or every week, it got to a point where my mother was starting to question me on whether I have a problem.

I soon started to question too. In fact my mind played even more tricks on me and I thought “wow, I’m probably going to end up an alcoholic” I don’t know who but I think it was my aunt ‘the rock star one’ lifted me up at times when others couldn’t. Yet again she was there and knew what to do and say.

The memorial was hard. I remember with a friend at the time we brought a bottle or two and shared it between us. And the thing is I was fine, until they brought him onstage, lords have mercy I cried, cried, cried, and cried. The service was two hours I cried throughout the entire service, then I don’t know if I called my aunt, or she called me but I broke down to her. After drying the eyes and sobering up we went back to oxford circus and just jammed there until the morning. I’m sure that was the morning I came home about 4/5am in the morning if not another time.

July 13th was another hard day. Though I don’t dispute it was such a beautiful day. It should have been a beautiful day for other reasons. My dream comes true of seeing Michael live. I’m sure I was amongst the majority who just kept on looking up to the sky waiting for him to return, pop out of somewhere.

Now fast forward seven months later and to be honest I thought that by going to college it would help but it was too soon. And I felt I didn’t have the time I needed to fully crumble without voices telling me this, telling me that. I don’t need to say how much I love Michael, because I feel when I writ that story HIStory it was really me being able to express my frustrations, anger, sadness all emotions which I couldn’t express, or say.

I’m in St Vincent alone trying to find a way to go on. I don’t need people telling me this and that. I will do it in my own time, I can’t be rushed. It’s like this is such a reality check for me. Like I went around with my heads up in the sky (which to be honest I still do) thinking that the people I love were immune to the inevitable fate. When June happened it has just woken me up and I remember telling a few people. Jesus I am like this with Michael, I can only imagine what I may be like when it comes to my mum or dad, or someone else I love. My grandma brought me to church and honest truth it was emotional both times. I think it was a way spiritually of making me visit this moment, and the reality of what has happened which I have denied for so long. I have since had a few emotional moments here and there without intoxication. I watch him, or listen to him and it gets to me. Also whilst watching this is it for the fortieth time hehe my aunt told me she saw Michael in concert. Now why she go do that, do not think that though I was excited, I was jealous and then the reality hit me again, she saw him in concert, I was destined too.

Ok, wow this has taken me very long. A lot of stop and start, now that I have finally been able to revisit I hope to continue this personal journey.